First off, I would like to ask a
question. How the fuck did women fall into this docile roll where all we want
to do is say “yes dear” in order to make our partner happy in many facets of
life, mainly the bedroom? I have had so many conversations with women over the
years who think that sex is a way to please their partner, it is something that
they do for them and rarely think of it in terms of contributing to their own
happiness. I believe many of us do it subconsciously
because that is part of our instinct as the tasks and people before us take
precedence. It is also more than likely that we, being givers by nature, don’t
know how to ask for what we want or ask to try what we think we might want. Or,
could it be that we don’t really know what we want in the bedroom so we simply
don’t think to ask. I’d like to also
know when did we start letting stress and anxiety take precedence over our
sexual happiness? Perhaps our lack of communication on the matter is to blame?
We easily become so bogged down with life as we race through trying to manage
all of the day to day drama, stressors and anxiety laden situations that we are
the first to put ourselves last. It is time to stand up and fight for our
orgasms; our health and sanity depend on it. Below, I’ve gone off on a few
tangents as well as embedded my sense of humor and love of sex to hopefully
inspire more women to own their O. There are many key factors that play into
sexual health, here are three basics to start with that can be helpful when
empowering oneself in the bedroom.
Masturbation:
Many years ago, I was listening to
a sex therapist on late night radio who was promoting giving teenage girls
vibrators and books on masturbation for their sweet 16 on the premise that if
we give our daughters the tools to make themselves feel good, then they won’t
be dependent on boys to do it for them. Farfetched and outlandish? Perhaps, but
very forward thinking as well. Boys masturbate, to the point where it is part
of the social norm/ standard and everyone jokes it off with a “oh, you know
boys” type of attitude. The social
acceptance of women masturbating is laden with guilt, shame through
exclamations like “that’s the equivalent of cheating,” and other nonsense that
pisses me off. It’s your body, masturbate if you want to. Men’s practice of
such acts is widely accepted and voiced. Well, ours should be too. Exploring
one’s self is a great way to learn what makes you tick- how much pressure or
stimulation to apply to any number of areas at once to illicit the profound
release called an orgasm. If we don’t know what makes us tick, how can we place
the expectation on our partner to know? That is a lot of unjust pressure to
place on someone. Sure, there are those who spend a lot of time between the
sheets and build up quite a repertoire to please women, widely distributing
first time orgasms to many, but we don’t need a partner to do that for us, we
can do it ourselves. Sure, it is more fun with someone else, but we are not/
should not be dependent on others to make ourselves feel good. Experiencing/
showing your partner what you like and placing your trust in them as you engage
in sexual acts deepens the experience. There within lies an important lesson of
self-empowerment and taking control of one’s own life. Kind of goes hand in
hand with the age old theory of “no one can make you happy but you” or
“happiness is a state of mind that you control” so on and so forth.
Control and
Communication:
Generally (I am speaking in generalities here), men have no
problem taking control and dictating what we do or don’t do in the bedroom. They
know what they like or what they are willing to experiment with and we are
usually and honestly happy to oblige. Bend over, spread your legs, get the
lube, I’ve always had a fantasy about or wanted to try… you get the point.
Having a man or partner who takes the lead in the bedroom is not a bad thing;
it can be quite an erotic touch when done right with respect and consideration.
It is possible to guide your partner or express your needs and desires without
removing them from a lead role if that is what is preferred.
Let’s insert an
erotic moment and lesson from BDSM (*Urban Dictionary defines as: An
overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and
Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM) here. For those of you who still
don’t know what that is, google it. One of the things that I respect and admire
most about BDSM relationships is the etiquette and communication, okay that’s
two things. You absolutely, positively must communicate with your partner (or
partners) what you like, what you don’t like, your fears, your fantasies and
where your openness lies in the scheme of exploring your sexuality. This
stimulates a very deep and intimate connection, as well as trust, between the
consenting parties that allows for greater pleasure on both sides. As long as
it is safe, sane and consensual between legal adults, who the fuck cares how
kinky you get, we all have a little bit of it in us. Even some of the most
“vanilla” lovers like a little ass grabbing/smacking and nipple sucking/nipping
which does fall into a sensual pain category which is right up the BDSM
spectrum, even if it is on the light side. See, more people than you know could
fall into the kinky category. Anyhow, back on the taking control aspect. Ladies,
life is short, and stressful. That will never change, only fluctuate the older
we get. No matter how demure we are at times, or cautious of what our partners
might think of us if we bring it up, we need to start trying to find ways to
communicate on aspects of sex. Our sexual partners like it when we come; when
their efforts lead to stimulating our orgasm it is a huge accomplishment. If a
certain position doesn’t work for you or the way they are performing certain
acts don’t quite hit the right spot, gently and lovingly guide your partner.
They cannot read your mind, fortunately and unfortunately. If you need their
mouth, hand, penis or any other body part more to the left, right, harder,
deeper, faster, slower, softer and so forth, you have to tell them. If
something hurts (I am talking about pain, not intended sensual pain) or doesn’t
feel right or scares you, you have to tell your partner so adjustments can be
made. If your sexual partner respects you and cares for you, they will happily
oblige as that is part of building a healthy, consensual, safe and trust filled
relationship that benefits both parties.
Explore:
Reading erotica is a safe activity
women retreat to as a way to get excited about sex and learn of new things they
might like or grow to fantasize about. Not all of these things are desires we
actually want to engage in, but we enjoy getting lost in the idea of them. It
can very much be our platform of porn that gets us primed and in the mood. Sex,
for us, is very mental as our emotions and constant thoughts inundate us. Men
get urge and that’s that. We typically need a warm up to help get our head in
the game and foreplay doesn’t have to be some arduous task to be wary of. Make
it fun and explore new ways to keep the libido inspire. Read erotica, watch
porn, practice some tantric yoga… whatever it takes. Even quickies or afternoon
delights should be pleasurable for all involved. Explore ways to make it good
for both of you. Sometimes it only takes a quick minute of hardcore kissing and
groping to make us feel desired, primed and ready to do whatever. Not all sex
sessions can be long, drawn out escapades leaving us deliciously sore and
unable to walk straight for a few days. Life, work, kids, and responsibilities
realistically don’t allow for that all of the time. Instead, try learning each
other’s love language to keep the intimacy present and bubbling below the
surface. Have an impromptu date, pick up a special dessert to share by candle
light after the kids go to bed, leave a love note in the lunch box, make your
partner coffee in the morning, pick up takeout so your partner doesn’t have to
stress about dinner. It is little things like that that can make each other
feel loved and appreciated amidst the crazy of day to day drama, which improves
chances of both parties being in the mood when an opportunity finally presents
itself. Men, doing the dishes, making dinner or scrubbing the bath for your
partner without being asked is excellent foreplay when cohabitating. Just
saying.
Conclusion:
We all have many legitimate reasons, rational and excuses of
why we put our sex lives and sexual health on the back burner. Sex reduces
stress, anxiety and even depression in some cases. Scientists are constantly
releasing studies on that. Being a mother, wife (yes, happily married and
monogamous for over 12yrs, gasp!) and
registered nurse who educates patients on how to ease back into life with a
variety of residual limitations that they may be left with, I understand many
facets of sexuality and how it can be impacted. I was once told that sexuality
is as versatile and colorful as there are people in the world, and I believe
that wholeheartedly. People don’t fit into boxes; we have too many shades of
gray for that. We live in a different world, one that is full of people
learning to cope and live with more and more health and mental disorders, two
parent working households and more and more stressors than our parents and
grandparents didn’t have to worry about. Our sexuality has to evolve with the
times and we need to take responsibility for our own sexual health. Take
control of your orgasm, explore what you need to physically and mentally obtain
it and openly communicate with your partner.
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